Sunday, April 25, 2004

I have fallen off the wagon. I couldn't help myself, it had been WAY too long, and I really just needed a small fix... But of course, as always, it brought a profound smile on my face, as it always does... And it can't be bad if I am not doing it EVERY DAY right?
Yes, I went to see my absolute, all-time favorite blues musician-Sean Costello.
First, he's perfectly adorable.
Second, he's a hell of a singer and guitar player.
Third, he always seems like he is singing JUST for you.
It was funny, one of his new songs I just totally related to... something to the affect of "you loved me, when I didn't love you" And of course, being in NST, listening to Sean and having him sing a song where a fella is using a woman for her money so that he can go play with other women totally reminded me of last summer's experience with my SCHMUCK.
I think that I am in a VERY good space/place away from that entire experience... although sometimes I reminisc a little too much... to which I quickly say "BAD HABIT". Sometimes I say it aloud just to be very firm with myself... my crutch, my negativity, my anger that I came away from that with sometimes overwhelms me and takes away any good outlook on life.
But back to Sean...
I didn't stay too long. I always have a good time when I go, but as usual, I was by myself and just wasn't feeling like being out, and being alone.
I got to talk a little with the band... no, not to SEAN, the band. I can't seem to make myself even say hi to the man, I am not sure why. But, when he is on the stage... I can't take my eyes off of him.
I will definitely be in line for the new cd!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

So, I'm up early... EARLY, and dressed and ready to roll. Why??? Because I was supposed to have an interview, that was cancelled about 1 hour before it was supposed to happen.
I was of course, very excited, somewhat nervous, etc.
Now, I am just disapointed.
This job hunt is going very, VERY, VERY! slowly. And I am tired of the companies that are like "advertisers" for jobs. I know that there has to be a better name for them, but for the moment lets stick with that. Those companies that have to tell YOU how great their company is. They have websites, and an endless monologue of propaganda about it. Companies like that make me are suspicious... good companies to work for I believe, simply ARE. It's practically non-spoken.
For instance, I had a woman call me last night on the phone. It was about 9:50PM. A little late all the way around.... if you ask me.
She asked to speak to "Doe, Jane" And when I continued to ask her what she wanted, she at first wanted to confirm if this was "Doe, Jane" To which I replied, my name is actually Jane Doe. And she said, really? It says here Doe comma Jane.... hey dumbass! ever read a roll call before? If that is where the comma is that is my FIRST name! But I didn't get into a conversation about grammer... since she said that they were looking for "interviews" but didn't seem to know what I actually DID for a living...
I was amazed... she had obviously seen my resume, but hadn't read it? And why was I the perfect candidate for her job?
Needless to say, I told her that I was not interested, and hung up.
The search continues.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

early in the am, I am back from my bday adventure.
It pays to be reserved and simply listen to people, because you hear volumes.... unfortunately I can't always turn down the volume so it doesn't always help.
It wasn't MY bday adventure, but someone elses.
I was feeling sad because I wasn't invited to a dinner beforehand... that I helped to recommend somehow... but somehow got excluded from.
No clear explanation was given but after my second drink, I cared alot less... plus alot of other people were busy bearing THEIR SOULS so, what could I do, but just listen?
Fortunately, I came with a friend... that was SICK! (generally, this isn't a blessing!) but tonight it was as I was in conversation hell!
I was listening to one friend go on about how he just couldn't be bothered to be in a relationship or commitment to another individual (translation.... I can't be bothered to clean my bathroom of the pink and green mold that now live in it.... along with the 3-4 inch hairballs covering the bathroom floor.... well not for just ANYONE.)
And also to listen to another girl that I barely know tell me about her past 3 relationships.... including the 2, and 3 that I just careened by her as she lived them....
And then to hear her tell me about how they are all "sweet" "great" guys and how one of them was a great "transition" man.... and very well versed in certain areas.... hmmmm interesting...
And then the one girl that I had expectations to be a good friend... who had already lied to me about said bday boy being too "overwhelmed" to have a bday dinner with us... which excluded me to actually being invited to said event... which was sorta disappointing as I was originally involved on "the plans" to celebrate his special event. It sorta surprises me when this type of shit happens. If you like people, you tell them why you didn't invite them. Bday boy said that his friends were invited... and that they left. *disclaimer... had a "moment" with this particular couples "friend" which may have considered me "uncomfortable" but ya know
we are all adults and we all know that NO ONE likes to be unicluded, when they originally were.
Would a note have been unforthcoming?
Anyway... back to the point, well sort of.
I really liked this girl. I thought that she had a certain class/style/poise that I would love to have in a friend.
Unfortunately.... this doesn't count.
No poise/class/style on this particular move.
And then she just made some comment on my outfit? I swear, since SCHMUCK... i am just too damn cynical of people, period.

Friday, April 16, 2004

You know how you feel when you find out that someone that you felt close to, doesn't feel as close to you?
Well that's where I am at the moment.
I understand logically that I haven't really known this individual that long. It doesn't stand to reason that I would be involved in the intimate circle of this person.
But to be not included isn't fun. Especially when you thought it wasn't going to happen in the first place.
I suppose that I will just deal.
"Get ovah it", as they say.
But it still stings, especially when you thought that you were becoming closer friends with those people.
Does that mean I hold back?
Does that mean that these people really aren't who I thought that they were?
Or is it simply... what I said in the beginning.
I suppose that I will eventually find out.